Soldiers can always find humor in Army life. There’s no doubt that soldiering is a tough way to make a living. But it can still be funny, irreverent, and sometimes downright hilarious. It often doesn’t seem that way in the moment, but my old battle buddies and I still laugh at some of the ridiculous events of our shared lives in the Old Army.
The Army of the 1980s was full of colorful characters, many larger than life. Among them was First Sergeant Joseph John, the senior noncommissioned officer of my cavalry troop in Germany. He was a solid leader who hardly ever blew up or got angry.
We were a happy unit, in large part because of the First Sergeant. Unlike some of the other senior leaders I served with, he stayed calm and cool even when things were going crazy. With a dry sense of humor, the Top had a way of connecting with us that I still think was special.
As a young Soldier in the late 60s, 1st Sgt. John served on tanks in Vietnam with the 1st Brigade, 5th Infantry Division. He was proud of his tour in Southeast Asia and often patted his combat patch, saying, “Combat tanker, men. Only one in the troop.” When the Top 1 said “troop,” his voice would go up about two octaves. He often finished sentences with that same high note.
Without a doubt, the top’s favorite expression was, “You guys are all fucked up.” We could count on hearing it at least once a day. He might say, “Somebody left unsecured laundry on my CQ desk. You guys are all fucked up.” If we were marching somewhere, top might yell, “Hey Third Platoon, get in step. You guys are all fucked up.”
If our troop living spaces weren’t up to snuff, the Top would pace in front of the formation, saying, “My barracks are all fucked up. You guys don’t wanna work for me in the day, that’s fine. I’m throwin’ a party tonight and you’re all invited.”
Of course, the Top meant there would be a G.I. party after evening chow. I’ve never figured out why the Army calls cleaning the barracks a G.I. party. There’s not much fun to be found in stripping and buffing floors, and scrubbing every surface. But sometimes, the Army is impossible to figure out.
There were lots of 1st Sgt. Johnisms, and he often preceded his pearls with “You heroes.” He would sort of curl his lip and exclaim, “Which one a’ you HEE-roes…” followed by whatever came next. For instance, there was a waste basket bolted to the wall by our front door. The top had a special affection for that container. He hated finding stuff in there, and checked it often during the day. Let’s say he spied a chewing gum wrapper in the trash during lunch.
At afternoon formation, the Top would ask, “Which one a’ you HEE-roes left trash in MY shitcan?” The guys in the platoons right in front of the first sergeant all had to be careful to keep straight faces. But out on either end of the troop, we were trying hard not to break up in laughter. Then he might say, “How many times do I have to tell you HEE-roes? Don’t use MY shitcan!”
1st Sgt. John had a particular way of wearing his camouflage cap. He pulled the brim low over his eyes with the cap cocked to one side. He was a chain smoker and often rolled a cigarette between his fingers when he talked. Even if he wasn’t holding a cigarette, the top would move his fingers in the same motion.
We had a good amount of material to work with and quite a few of us junior enlisted guys had honed our 1st Sgt. John imitations. We generally exercised care to not get caught by any of our NCOs. If one of us did get busted, the result was usually just an ass chewing, which we called, “Taking a SABOT round.” Better safe than sorry though. But one hot summer afternoon in 1986, I broke the cardinal rule of junior enlisted guys:
“Never get caught by the Top when you’re imitating him.”
The sidewalk around our barracks was edged with high, yellow-painted curbs. Over the course of a year, the paint got scuffed and worn. So a couple of times a year, Soldiers would be “hey you’ed”2 to break out brushes and paint to re-do the curbs. This wasn’t especially hard work, but it was tedious and took a long time.
One hot summer day, my best buddy and I were strolling back to the barracks from lunch when I spotted two of our other buddies painting the curbs. They had just started and were busy with their brushes. So I walked over and decided to have a little fun. I pulled my cap down just the way the Top wore his and made like I was rolling a cigarette between my fingers.
Then I opened up with my best 1st Sgt. Johnisms. “Look at that. You HEE-roes are all fucked up. You just started and you’re already missin’ spots.” Now I was firing at rapid rate. “You don’t wanna work for me in the day, that’s alright. You’ll be workin’ for me tonight.”
I went on and on. At some point, my battle buddy disappeared and the two guys painting stopped laughing. “It was funny at first, Flowers, but not now. Get the fuck outta here.” But did I listen? Nope, not at all. Instead, I loaded more ammo.
In the afternoon heat, my buddies had lost interest in my shenanigans. But I was in rare form, announcing, “Look at that, look at all them drips. You guys are all fucked up. Start all over again, and do it right this time.” My buddies ignored me and kept painting.
Then I felt a tap on my shoulder.
I looked around and who was standing there behind me? Yep, it was 1st Sgt. John in the flesh. He said words that are etched in my memory. “So Flowers, you wanna be the First Sarn’t, 3 huh? You’re gonna be workin’ for me now.” I mumbled something idiotic and said my platoon sergeant wanted me. The Top wasn’t having any of it. “Don’t worry, Flowers. He works for me too.”
Top looked at my buddies and said, “Hey, since First Sarn’t Flowers thinks you guys are all fucked up, get a soda and report back to your platoons. He’s gonna square this DEE-tail away.” Then, he told me, “Okay First Sarn’t. Get busy. You got a lotta curb to paint. And remember, don’t miss a spot.”
So I got to work with the brush, feeling pretty deflated and stupid. Every once in a while, Top stuck his head out the orderly room door, yelling, “Hey First Sarn’t. Ya’ missed a spot. You’re all fucked up,” and other choice words. After evening formation, he reminded me to finish the curbs before going to sleep: “Remember Flowers, you’re workin’ for me tonight.”
As Top turned to leave, he said, “Flowers, ya’ better work on your First Sarn’t imitation so ya’ don’t get caught next time.” While he didn’t smile or anything, I knew the Top wasn’t really mad. Heck, he may have thought it was funny, but I’ll never know.
I know one thing for certain though. I never got caught imitating the First Sergeant again.
Mark
Notes:
- Top or the top is Army slang for the first sergeant.
- “Hey you’ed” was Army slang for Soldiers getting assigned to details. Today, the more common term is “voluntold.”
- The word sergeant is often pronounced as “Sarn’t.” It comes out as a single syllable.
Yep Top John would “Smoke Ya Like A Cheap Cigar”